I’ve eaten more this past week than I have in all of August. Ew.
More water, less food. If I want to get skinny, I need to remember this
The year I took off from school was, in a word, difficult.
I lied to my family, telling them I was just busy in college to ever call to talk. I forgot my grandmother’s birthday, and had a horribly guilty conscience.
I was 750 miles away from the place I’d called home for 10 years. The only people I knew here were my dad and my stepmother, whom I’d only ever met twice before. So I did what any 18 year old would do.
I turned to Facebook.
The first five months were the hardest. I cried almost every day. I had nothing to do but log into Facebook and see my friends continue living their lives without me and to date, people still say that was one of the best summers/falls they can remember.
So I turned to food.
It’s incredible how much better you’ll feel about not going to college or really doing anything responsible with your life when you have pizza at least once a week and an unlimited supply of cheetos.
In December, I visited my Connecticut. The first thing that my family said was “your boobs got bigger!” Followed by them scanning my body skeptically and asking if I’d gained weight. I was offended and thought they were picking on me as usual.
I wish I’d listened. I should have listened.
It’s not that I’m starving myself, I just get disgusted if I eat 1000 calories a day. I can live with 700, but I’m happier at 500. And I genuinely don’t feel hungry after.
It makes me feel like a fraud though. I’m so encouraging to my friends and on twitter about living a healthy lifestyle. I know what I’m doing isn’t healthy, but I can’t stop.
So I’ll continue just promoting healthy eating and smiling like I’m doing it too. And then maybe when I’m small again, I’ll get help.
Besides, I’m too fat to have an eating disorder, no one would believe me if I wanted help now anyway.
Twenty-first birthday nails!
Started Insanity today. First fitness test results are kind of pathetic but you know, I tried.
SWITCH KICKS: 60.5 (but with poor form. I can’t kick very high)
POWER JACKS: 33 (I was totally doing some parts wrong though)
POWER KNEES: 60 (I was getting pretty tired by these)
POWER JUMPS: 16 (I can’t jump for crap)
GLOBE JUMPS: 5 (dear god, this thing is exhausting)
SUICIDE JUMPS: 0 (lol I suck)
PUSH UP JACKS: 0 (I really can’t do a push up, which is pathetic)
LOW PLANK OBLIQUES: 9 (but my feet kept slipping so I think I’d have done better with a yoga mat)
Final thoughts: Insanity will be the death of me
I’m really good at getting guys to like me and then pushing them away.
I’m damaged goods and I know it so I don’t want to let them think I’m fine, then get exposed a few months in and have them confused as fuck that I’m this new person.
I mean, no one wants a girl
that was molested, almost raped, verbally and physically abused with issues.
So I’ll just be single and call it independence.
When I was in high school, I thought I was huge. I was 5’10 by the time I graduated and the majority of my friends were 5’2. I was a size 14 and the majority of my friends were a size 4/6. I wore large, the majority of my friends wore small.
I didn’t understand that I was probably the same size as them when I was as short as them. I only saw two girls shopping, one having fun, the other trying to hide her tags from everyone. Because the awkward “big” girl should be ashamed of double digits.
I also grew up Connecticut poor. We didn’t have money, we were in debt, and we couldn’t afford to constantly shop for a girl, who for some strange reason, wouldn’t stop growing. This left me with ill fitting clothing that was JUUUST too small to look right. But in my mind, it meant I was fat. Because that’s the only explanation, right?
Tonight I looked at every single one of my Facebook profile pictures. Instead of reminiscing, I felt like crying. I looked at photo after photo of a girl with SO much potential to be beautiful but didn’t have the courage to try. A girl who had given up on being pretty in fear of being rejected yet again.
A girl who could conquer the world if her circumstances hadn’t taught her that she wasn’t good enough.
This is so embarrassing. But yeah, this is me at the start of Insanity. And hopefully it’s the last BEFORE picture that I’ll ever have to take!